this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
my whole body is tingling just thinking about the orgasm hes going to give me
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
A gay guy went down on me in the club bathroom and then fixed my makeup for me
its gonna be a great night
I'll take "things you shouldn't say to a guy you just met in a bar" for 100!
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
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