i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that
Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
The struggle bus crashed, rolled down a mountain, and went on fire, and I was on it ugh.
I just started talking about how noodles were so good
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
Donald Trump looks like someone photoshopped hair onto a dick pic.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
This is the third time I have overheard parents tell their children "don't be that girl" in reference to me. I'm either doing something horribly wrong or amazingly right
Randomize
