Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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