I'm towing my little brother down the road on a sixty year old tractor, we're taking up the whole highway, and no one cares. I love South Dakota.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
My drunk is wearing off and im starting to feel like this dolphin tattoo was a bad idea.
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