yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Just got a blow job while taking my online quiz. How is life in the dorms treating you?
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
I could fuck to npr.
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
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