so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
