I'm being pulled over???
For what!?!?!
??? I'm in a cab!!!!!
Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
People in love make me want to vomit
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.
I am going to be fat forever.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know, part of me wants to die and the other part of me doesn't want to live
Party bus got out of hand. Some guy pissed himself. Later, he couldn't find his house keys, so he kicked the back door in.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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