I showed him my bush... on skype.
DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
Vodka Red Bull is like your spinach if you were Popeye
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
Someone's gotta tell him drunk sex comes before dating
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