remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Who did Billy Mays play for?
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
I just found puke in my bra..
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
On another note I never thought having a drug addicted stalker would prove useful
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
Randomize
