i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
No, he went to go get condoms. The least I could do was chug two beers before he got back
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
She wasn't one for labels or anything serious really but while she was riding me she yelled marry me. It's like she fucked her self into commitment lmao she realy is a keeper bro
wouldn't be a true Fourth of July without dropping acid at 9pm on a Monday
FREEDOM
Just found a note on the bed that said "Dear mittens, had to leave early I'll be back soon."
WTF? Are you mittens?
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
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