i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
