it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He saved you from those guys at the club, took you home, and made you breakfast. If this isn't your come to Jesus moment IDK what is.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
She pooped on me during a reverse cowgirl. And it wasn't a little bit either.
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