it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
he was so hot that i framed the used condom. it's not trash, it's art.
for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
I forgot to mention I threw up in my wine glass AND my neighbors empty cup.
You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
The guy I screamed at across the bar for booing the Bruins ended up buying me shots I had to explain to him there's not a chance in hell I would ever fuck a Canadian! #Bostonstrong
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
we just drove past a kid stuck in a tree what a wonderful time to be alive
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
