ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
She was that classic mixture between "Hell no" and "Why the fuck not."
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
He has been feeding me cheesecake and candy for breakfast. Naked. For three days. How am I ever going to leave????
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
this is the fourth time i've taken my clothes off for money this year. is that normal for the average college sophomore?
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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