I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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