I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Uhm after 8 I don't recall anything. All I know is there's a picture of me playing pong with my grandmother.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I told him to send me a dick snap for my birthday. To personalize it, he drew a candle coming out of the tip of it so I could blow it out.
he called me ma'am when we were fucking last night...he's five years older than me. I think I'm in love.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
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