My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
I think my sunburn makes my ass look bigger
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
there is definitely a hickey on my left nipple.
Randomize
