she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
Her hand jobs are magic. They smell like vanilla and awesomeness. She made me forget how to walk
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