So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
