You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
Yeah, first date. First take a pic of him to circulate around for your friends and than have him fill out a short penis questionnaire. Seems completely legit to me.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
mid-october of freshman year. goals have shifted from "no more guys on my floor" to "all the guys on my floor."
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
