At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.
Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm hurting so bad I actially had to wait for my mini wheats to get soggy before I could eat them..
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
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