You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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