i'm sending her a home depot gift card for the hole i put in her wall. call it good?
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Remember when I got my car stuck in my backyard?
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
At what point did you realize I was getting blown under the table during our dominos game?
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
