K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro
I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
I have a beer in one hand and a slim fast in another. It's another one of those wednesday nights.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Besides you're a Tennessee fan and it'd be against my religion to have your penis inside me today.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
Randomize
