i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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