fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
i think i just asked a donut if it was ok
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
My brothers dog was hit by a car and died. They're really sad about it.
But they're having a baby! It's like a dog only 40 billion times worse!
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
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