my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
I've reached the point to where my pre-gaming needs to be limited to pre-inning-ing
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
And then I discovered that while drunk last night I called the NAACP and left an angry voicemail demanding they fix the racism at my school
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I looked into her soul, didn't I?
You eye-fucked her soul.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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