There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I am watching the symphony and have decided that violin players probably give really good hand jobs.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
