God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...
I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Do you think I threw out my left shoulder during the keg stand or the stripper pole? It's medically relevant my chiropractor wants to know.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
We fucked while The Odyssey played in the background. Homer would be proud.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
