I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
Could have had sex with an ex NFL kicker last night.
That would've been embarrassing.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
Randomize
