Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
She started doing push ups and calling me a pussy. Never set me up with your ROTC friends again.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
True bitches know their best friends favorite Boones Farm flavor.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
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