I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
He said "I know I'm not gay. I fucked a guy once and didn't like it"
I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
Randomize
