mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
I woke up on the floor with 2 cartons of cigarettes, a box of chocolate bars, and a business card for a man named Larry. Don't remember him, but if the Rols on his card is his, I might throw him a mouth party...
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Thank god you don't know my other address I'm safe for now
Awww you know you would like it if I found u
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