I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.
Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
She was wearing a grass skirt and a watermelon bra. WATERMELONS.
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