can you please tell me why I'm bleeding so heavily from my ass and all my makeup is gone?
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
Whatever. I have his dick. Haha how many girls can say they have a dildo replica of a guy they were seeing
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
hurry there's a jack Daniels slip n slide and clothes are coming off faster than I can even comprehend oh thank god for autocorrect
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
