I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
she was drooling, sharted in her sleep, rolled over stuck her hand under the covers pulled it back out, smelled it and moaned and rolled back over. i almost added puke to the disgusting bodily fluid category.
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
When did we start counting Thursdays as weekends?
When we got our fake ids in grade 11, why?
I just feel like it's time to start counting wednesdays as well...
So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
He is stood at the top of the stairs nursing the stolen cat
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
my memory may be fuzzy, but the 20+ naked pictures I sent him were surprising clear
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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