she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
DRUNK CANOEING
Please text me if you survive.
LAND HO BITCH
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
I am in his childhood bedroom and I feel like his trophies are applauding me and his stuffed bunny is disgusted with me. Did you know he was a mathlete?
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Life lesson... stop having side pieces that know each other...ffs.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Randomize
