You should have seen the look on the cashiers face when I was buying steel reserve with a suit on.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Watched a women out our tannin salon literally fight police because she was getting arrested for trying to drunkenly fight the tanning salon owner...we need to step up our day drinking this is shameful.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?
Can I color on your dick again?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
I just ran your car into a ups truck....but on a up note I have a handle of fireball and breakfast burritos
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Randomize
