I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
i just bought a vibrator and the cashier says "have fun with that." i didnt realise what he said so i responded "you too." and then he gave me his number...
God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Russell is lonely. He needs a companion.
You're lucky you have a monster cock or most people may just laugh at your penis' nickname.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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