we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
Did you just see the Batmobile???
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm in love. Her name is Jamie. She's beautiful. She punched me in the face.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
