Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
She's just so happy...and so naked.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
I'm getting offered Candy Crush lives in return for sex. Like wtf.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
Ok fell asleep on a bus in south Carolina just woke up in Canada where the hell is the liquor store from here?!
Randomize
