We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
Dude you have to come get or im gonna nail this 64 y/o woman as repayment for buying me shots of jager
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Randomize
