he puts the penis in happiness.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
Randomize
