so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I think misery doesn't even think of me as company anymore. I'm an unofficial roommate.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
If you buy me a steak I will make the extra effort to ride you. If not, I'm just gonna lay there.
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
Randomize
