I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.
You are the only one who would stop a bum, tell him to open up, then pour straight vodka in his mouth. You made his year.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Yeah. I found my shirt from last night while walking back to the bar to get my purse/phone this morning. I'm never going to even ask what actually happened. Be glad you moved 7 states away.
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
