Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
The feeling I get when I hear beer bottles clinking must be what children feel when they hear sleigh bells on Christmas Eve
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
If you think I'm not petty enough to drive to your house at 3 in the goddamn morning just to punch you, you underestimate me.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
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