who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
