I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
We named our party play list daddy issues
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
He tried to bang a 300 pounder last night. No joke. I shotgunned a tall boy in a bar cuz the bartender didn't crack the beer. Cant wait till Nashville.
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
Move ovrr Titanoc and all you others. Heres the real tale of woe. This ladys failed search for boozdy goodnezs.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Randomize
