So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
i just saw my boxers from 2 days ago stuck in a tree 4 miles from my house
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.
Also adulthood=replacing meals with bourbon. And not getting your hair caught in a fan.
Just woke up to find myself in a random bed with two people next to me having sex. I thought it would be awkward to just suddenly get up so i think I'm gonna lie here and pretend I'm still sleeping.
Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
You are a genius and a whore.
You spent the entire night trying to catch pigeons and hugged a homeless guy and then gave him a pregnancy test.
Randomize
