I could make wine with my vomit
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
Yeah I mean once a gun is being waved around, its probably a good time to leave the party
But the music was sooo good
Did I really just send a work email with cum instead of come? feck me
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
